Birthday Goals and Resolutions

Today is my 28th birthday.

A few years ago, i was still regularly being mistaken for a teenager.
Now my youth is fading. my worth must come from other aspects of myself.

With each year that passes, i find myself more and more focused on my accomplishments (or lack thereof).

There are many things of which i am proud of:
i have been happily married for nearly a decade.
i am a good mother to my two children.
i am an active volunteer in my community.
i am good with my hands.
i know how to cook, sew, do basic home repair, and lawn work.
i make my own household cleaners which are environmentally friendly.
i am creative.
i am passionate.
i am self taught.
i have built a successful career for myself in a field that i am entirely self-educated in.
i live debt free and have a modest growing savings account.
i spoil my pets, of which i have many.
i have surrounded myself with a few good friends.
i have run a couple 5ks.
i have written, self published, and successfully sold my own books.

i have many weaknesses as well:
i’m not good at portion control.
i don’t exercise as much as i used to.
i am insecure.
i can’t dance.
i forget to floss my teeth.
i don’t know how to put on make up.
i have no fashion sense.
i don’t get enough sleep.
i tend to loose myself in my service to others.
i lack confidence.
i bite my nails.
i almost always forget my canvas bags when i go shopping.
i never shop local.

So, i have some resolutions for myself, somethings that i want to change about me before i turn 29.

By this time next year…
i will have perfectly manicured finger nails.
i will have gotten into the habit of flossing my teeth everyday.
i will have gone from 36 inches to 32 inches by eating healthy and exercising regularly.
i will have toned my arms, abs, and thighs through regular exercise.
i will have gotten into the habit of visiting the farmers market weekly for fruits and veg.
i will have eliminated plastic bags from my home.
i will have a daily self care routine that includes yoga, meditation, and/or journaling.
i will have regulated my sleep schedule and be getting at least 5 hours a night.
i will have put reasonable effort into learning how to dance.
i will have put reasonable effort into learning how to do my own make-up.
i will have built a modest wardrobe of clothes that i love and feel i look good in.
i will be more mentally prepared to age with grace and dignity.

12 goals for the next 12 months.

The Perfect Man

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it is i really want.
Am i looking for a Dom or boyfriend or something else…
And i have come to realize, what i want most isn’t a certain type of relationship, it is a certain type of man.

He will be someone who appreciates me and likes me. i won’t ever have to be worried about being judged or shamed, i can be myself with Him. my goofy, imperfect, cock-hungry, whore self.

He will make time for me. No matter how busy He is, He will text everyday just to tell me He is thinking of me. And if He makes a date with me, He keeps it. He will respect that i am an incredibly busy person and He will appreciate that i too make time for Him.

He will be generous with His verbal affection. He will notice the little details about me that no one else notices and He will take the time to tell me all the things He notices and likes about me. He will take me seriously when i give Him a compliment, He will understand that words hold a lot of weight for me.

He might date other women, but when He is with me, He gives me that butterflies-in-the-stomach-only-girl-in-the-world feeling. He won’t lie to me about the others, but when we’re together, He will let me know in no uncertain terms that His affection for me is unique just as mine is for Him. He understands that a person can feel affection for multiple people without comparing those people, and without holding one to a higher importance than the others.

He likes me just the way i am. At the same time He supports my efforts to better myself. He never criticizes me for my appearance because He sincerely likes my body. At the same time, He appreciates that i have personal fitness goals and He cheers me on in my efforts to meet those goals. He never belittles me for trying something new because He understands that i want to learn new things.

He makes a place in His life for me, He lets me know that i fill a role for Him. i am wanted, maybe even a little bit needed, for His happiness and pleasure. i never have to worry that i am disposable or easily replaced. He values me as a person. i serve a purpose for Him.

He is neither a homebody nor a party animal. He is that balance of going out sometimes and staying home sometimes. Regardless of if we go out or if we stay in, our time together is always fun. We smile. We laugh. We consume each other’s bodies without shame. We have mind blowing orgasms. We enjoy each other’s company.

Thats my perfect man.
i don’t care about His finances nor His weight nor the kind of car He drives.
What i really care about at the end of the day is how He treats me.

The perfect man treats me well.

Or, at least i hope He will. Someday. When and if i ever find Him.

 

 

Asking a Non-Drinker Out For a Drink

i don’t drink alcoholic beverages.

And when i say, “i don’t drink,” i mean i really don’t drink.

Not socially. Not a sip of champagne at a wedding. Not a glass of wine after a hard day. Not a beer when i’m watching the game. i mean, i straight up don’t drink. Not a drop. Not at all. Not ever.

Most people who say, “I don’t drink” mean it conditionally. They mean they only have had two drinks this past year, so they aren’t big drinkers.

Now, i don’t mind when other people drink. It isn’t at all awkward for me to be the only sober person at the table. i am perfectly capable of having fun and relaxing without drinking. And i never judge anyone else for enjoying a few drinks, its just not my thing.

That said, me not drinking has caused a lot of men to retract their invitations.

i used to not say anything about it. They’d ask me out for a drink and i’d meet up with them. They’d order a rum and coke, i’d just order a coke no rum. They’d get confused, ask me why i wasn’t having a drink. i’d explain, i don’t drink. They’d get awkward and stiff. They’d pressure me to drink. They just didn’t know how to move forward if i was unwilling to put alcohol in my body. Dates ended early. i’d never hear from them again.

So i started to warn men. i put “i don’t drink” in my profile.
When they asked me out for a drink anyway, i gave them a heads up, “i don’t drink.”
Most men would argue this with me.
“Well what am I supposed to do with you if you don’t drink?”
“aww, come on, everyone drinks a little…”
“Really? Why not?”

i was accused of being pregnant. i’m not.
i was accused of being a recovering alcoholic. i’m not.
i was accused of being a religious nut. i’m not.

my reasons for not drinking have nothing to do with health, addiction, or beliefs.

i simply don’t enjoy it. so i don’t do it.

After years of being a non-drinker in a society where drinks are expected, especially if one is dating, i have come to the conclusion that the pressure to drink is actually part of a larger problem.

See, women are expected to be somewhat reserved and appropriate. It is however slightly more socially acceptable for a women to have casual sex if she can say that she was tipsy at the time.
i find this to be personally insulting. Every woman should feel free to be as sexually uninhibited as she desires. The idea that we have to be drunk to be fun is just awful. A woman can and is capable of amazing sexuality while sober. Our society needs to embrace this fact and stop pressuring women to hide their sexuality behind liquor.

On the flip side of this coin, men have been conditioned to believe that the best way to get a woman to put out is to put a few drinks in her. When a woman tells them, “i want to have casual sex while sober,” they get a sort of deer in the headlights look. They don’t know what to do next.
Often, a woman who doesn’t drink, is seen as a confusing or scary prospect. So men retract invitations and put as much distance between themselves and that woman as possible. They blame her for being “weird” when really it is they who are unable to realize, sex could be so much better if both parties are fully present in the moment, not fighting through a boozy haze to stay conscious.

Bottom line is this: if you want me to be like the drunk chicks in a Girls Gone Wild video, your best bet is to treat me like a woman whose sexuality you respect and admire.

You can ask me out for a drink, if you want to. But don’t be surprised nor insulted when all i order is a soda.

If you’re not comfortable drinking with someone who doesn’t drink, then ask me out for coffee or ice cream instead.
Many ice cream dates i have been on have ended with blow jobs.

Why i Date Vanilla Men

The world of BDSM is all sorts of complicated.

submissives greatly outnumber Dominants.
And submissive littles outnumber Daddy Doms even more so.

Plus there are different types of Daddy Doms: strict Daddys, joker Daddys, mean Daddys, loving Daddys, lenient Daddys, etc..

Of course a sub wants to find a Dom who shares similar kinky interests. A sub who really loves rope play will not be satisfied by a Dom who has no interest in ropes. A sub who considers burning a hard limit will not want feel safe playing with a Dom who insists on including candles in their playtime.

Then there is the concern of finding a Dom who is more experienced than myself.
i have been in the lifestyle for years. i have been a live-in slave in the past. Plenty of beginner Doms have started out with seasoned submissives, but in my experience, a novice Dom usually prefers not to be with a sub who has more experience than he does, especially if he is lacking confidence or doesn’t have a mentor to help guide him.

None of this is even touching on the fake Doms- the guys who watch BDSM porn and think being a Dom is all about beating the shit out of a woman while you fuck her. Porn never shows the negotiation before a play scene, nor the aftercare when a scene is through. Porn never shows the safety measures taken to insure no permanent damage is done. Fake Doms lack the knowledge of what real BDSM is all about, and that makes them dangerous to play with.

And, unless the relationship is purely NSA sex, there will be other things to consider outside of sex. Do they make each other laugh? Do they enjoy each other’s company? Do they bring out the best in one another?
Or are they constantly arguing and bickering?
Or worse, are they just bored when they are with each other?
i would hate to submit to someone who couldn’t make me laugh.

So sometimes, to make things easier and avoid the frustration, i date vanilla men.

In the vanilla world, pussy is a commodity.
Men outnumber women on online dating sites, so the women can be a little more picky.

In the vanilla world, men treat kinky women like treasure.
They deal with so many prude women, they are grateful to meet someone with an open mind, someone who won’t judge them for their fantasies, someone who won’t make them jump through hoops for sex.

Sure, a vanilla man would never satisfy my needs as a submissive woman.
Sure, there are times that it can be frustrating and i feel like something is lacking.
But at the end of the day, i have better chances of meeting a vanilla guy whose company i enjoy than i do of meeting a Dom with whom i am compatible both sexually and non-sexually.
Plus, i don’t have to worry as much about my safety with vanilla guys.

 

Porn

“Its normal.

“Everyone uses it.

“Its a great way to spice things up.

“The only people who don’t like porn are prudish, insecure women.

“Any man who says he doesn’t watch porn is lying.”

These are some things that i used to believe. Now i know better.

Society accepts porn as being a normal, natural part of healthy sexuality.
Science says that its not.

There have been numerous studies done by respected universities directly linking porn to decreased satisfaction with one’s sexual partner, decreased empathy for rape victims, increased rates of sexual dysfunction, and increased violence (both sexual and non-sexual) towards women and children. Don’t believe me? Google it for yourself.

There are other “studies” done by less reputable sources which claim that porn is harmless. But. If you look at the specifics of those studies, you will notice that they are flawed. Smaller sample sizes, no control group, etc..
The studies worth reading are the ones that have been conducted impartially. Without skewing the data to meet the tester’s agenda.

Better yet, forget about the studies. Just go have an honest conversation with your neighborhood whore.
If she is anything like me and my gal pals, she will have plenty of stories about otherwise good men who have been ruined by excessive porn use.

i have known men who have ruined their careers because they couldn’t help themselves from watching porn at work- they couldn’t go a few hours without watching it.

i have known men who became so desensitized to standard pornography that they began watching things they were disgusted by (bestiality, child porn, etc..) because it was the only thing they could get off to- even though watching it made them sick.

i have known physically healthy young men who suffer from erectile dysfunction- they couldn’t get hard unless they were watching porn.

i have known physically healthy young men who suffer from retarded ejaculation- they couldn’t orgasm unless they were watching porn.

i have known men who turned down sex with flesh and blood women to masturbate to porn- no matter how hot the woman was, no matter how much they loved the woman, no matter how kinky the woman was, because she couldn’t compete with the fantasy that is porn.

i have known physically healthy men who have injured themselves through excessive and/or violent masturbation to pornography- they give themselves callouses and sores on their penis from jerking it too much or too tightly.

After knowing literally dozens of men who have been so obviously damaged by excessive porn, i can no longer claim ignorance to the problems that porn causes.

Now, that said, i don’t believe porn itself is evil.
But, in our society, where we glorify instant gratification and gluttony, porn is just as dangerous as any other mind altering substance.

There are surely some people who can watch a porn clip once or twice a month and then have a healthy, satisfying sex life separate from porn.
But then there are others who come home from work, lock themselves in a room, ignore their loved ones, and jack off to the most violent images they can find, for hours at a time.

At this point in my life, i can tell if a man has a porn problem simply from the way he touches me.

A man who views porn excessively will not be able to connect with a woman through physical touch. It is a subtle change. But to a woman who is well versed in casual sex, she can tell before you even take your pants off, if you’re really in the moment and enjoying her company or if you’re hung up on porn.
Spoiler alert: women almost never enjoy sex with a man who views excessive pornography. He just won’t be able to make it good for her. There is a disconnect in his mind that only a long detox from pornography can fix.

Kink and Kids

i am a mother.

i love my two children dearly.

i gave up a well-paying career that i enjoyed so that i could work from home and spend quality time with them everyday.

Every week i take them to the zoo and on playdates with their friends. Our dining room table is constantly filled with our science experiments and art projects. Together we stomp in rain puddles and have beach days and jump in leaf piles and build snowmen and take our family dog for long walks in local parks all year long. i am a good mom.

Three nights a week i give them both baths and read them any stories they want and sing them their special songs i have sung them every night of their lives as i tuck them into bed.

Then there are the other four nights a week.

Those are the nights their father, my husband, puts them to bed. Those are the nights i get to take off my mom hat and be….well, i get to be me. Not someone’s mom. Just me.

Four nights a week i can stay home and watch Netflix, or i take myself out for dinner and a movie, or i can meet up with a guy for some playtime.

Before i had kids, i thought nothing of being openly polyamorous and openly practicing the BDSM lifestyle. i honestly believe that i was born this way, it is my natural state of being and i don’t want to ever have to hide who i am.

But having kids changes everything.

When you’re openly poly or openly kinky AND you have kids, you have to be on guard for your children.

Not because of anything that could actually harm the children, but because of do-gooder outside people who make negative assumptions about your parenting based on your romantic or sexual life.

So many people have had their children ostracized by their peers, or have had child protective services called on them, for no reason other than the parents  being openly poly or openly kinky.

Now, i can not speak for other families, but as for myself and my children, my romantic and sexual identity has very little impact on them.
my children see their parents interacting everyday, showing love and respect and affection towards one another. They hear us talking about dating other people but they don’t meet anyone we date casually, and we rarely consider anyone worthy enough of bringing home to meet the family. (It has happened once in 8 years!)

my children live in a home where sex toys and lingerie are kept in a locked suitcase.
There are parental controls blocking pornography on every electronic in the house.
What i do when my children are being looked after by their father is entirely separate from the mother i am when i am looking after my children.

we are “sex positive” parents in that we don’t shame them for their bodies and we honestly answer any questions they ask. Their knowledge of sex is age appropriate and their exposure to kink is non-existent.

i will never understand why some vanilla people assume that being kinky automatically makes a person incapable of being a decent parent.

But in any case, kids and kink are two separate aspects of my life that are both important to me.
i am a good mother.
i am also an insatiable, freaky, cock-hungry whore.
i can be both. i can do both well. As many other mothers and submissives before me have done.

“Must Be Discrete”

“Must Be Discrete”

Scumbag code for “I’m too much of a pussy and a coward to do the right thing.”

i browsed the Craigslist personals the other day.
Don’t laugh.
Before Tinder was a thing, i used to use Craigslist to find casual sex.

i noticed a disturbing trend, something about Craigslist that i used to hate but (since i haven’t been on Craigslist in over a year) had long since forgotten about:

almost everyone on there is a married man looking to cheat on his wife

Sure, there are a few guys worth meeting.
i met an excellent Dom off Craigslist 3 years ago. We were together almost 8 months, before i moved out of state.

But for the most part, almost every Men Seeking Women ad on Craigslist contains the phrase, “Must Be Discrete.”

Normally i just ignore these ads.
They annoy me, of course, but i can’t do anything about it.
And it really isn’t my business anyway.
Its not my marriage that those low-life losers are ruining.

But this time i did something different.

Instead of ignoring these men, i responded to their ads.
Not as a potential sex partner, but rather as someone who was concerned for their behavior.

i responded to a total of ten Craigslist Men Seeking Women ads all containing the word “discrete.”

The first five ads, i responded with anger and confronted full-on what felt to be a horrible thing they were doing: sneaking around and lying to their spouse.

The second five ads, i responded calmly and politely asked “why? why are you doing this to your wife? why are you doing this to your marriage? why hurt everyone around you just for sex?”

The first five ads, i understandably got no responses. Who would respond to a crazy woman yelling at them via email? No one.

The second five ads, four of the five men responded.

One tried to smooth talk me, “don’t worry about my status, she’ll never know all the fun we have naked together.” He included his dick pic and requested a “naughty” pic in return.
His attempt to charm me failed miserably, of course, and once he realized this fact he turned hostile, “who the fuck are you to judge me bitch? go fuck yourself!”

One told me his sob story about how he married his wife because she’d make a good life partner and a good mother, but she really is boring in bed. We talked for a while and from our conversation I was able to suss out two main points:
1- That he was truly boring in bed but he expected her to act like a porn star even though he never bothered to make an effort to fulfill her sexual needs.
2- That he didn’t truly love her. He referred to her as a “box to check on his life-long to-do list.” In other words: finish college, get decent job, purchase respectable car, marry good girl, buy nice house, have 2.5 children….and he didn’t see anything wrong with any of that.

One asked me point blank if i was going to fuck him and when i said “no,” that was the last i heard from him.

One told me that his wife was amazing and he loved her dearly but he just couldn’t seem to stop cheating on her and he hated himself for it. i gave him the local information for Sexaholics Anonymous and told him that addiction didn’t excuse his behavior, but there are people and places where he can get help if he truly wants to change.

 

Polyamory and Cheating

i am Poly, which to me feels like quite a normal and natural way to be, but i have come to realize that many others struggle to understand the concept.

It really isn’t rocket science. If you have more than one parent and love each of them, have more than one friend and love each of them, have more than one child and love each of them, then why can’t you have more than one romantic partner and care for each of them?

Thats all being Poly is: having more than one romantic partner and caring for each of them. Polyamory is simply the belief that love and sex shouldn’t have to be limited to one-on-one relationships.

Now, i don’t think everyone should be Poly. i respect monogamy. i think some people are just born to be monogamous. The same way i believe, deep down inside, i was born Poly.

There are some monogamous folks that think Poly is just a fancy way to excuse cheating. That couldn’t be further from the truth. A healthy Poly relationship is rooted in openness and honesty between all partners. Cheating is rooted in lies and deception.

i have been cheated on in a past relationship and i recall that what hurt the most wasn’t the fact that he had sex with another woman, it was that he had lied to me. He’d hidden part of himself from me. i felt like such a fool.

And i know that i’m not alone in this thought process. Many monogamous women site being lied to as the worst part of being cheated on. i know this to be fact from countless conversations with female friends, from articles i’ve read online by therapists and relationship experts, from a book i once read [titled My Husband’s Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me] written by a woman who had been cheated on.

The worst part of cheating is the lying.
Deleting texts, making up stories for where you’ve been, etc..

The really awkward thing is, because i am Poly, there are many men out there who feel i should be OK with helping them cheat on their wife or girlfriend. i’m not. i won’t help a man cheat. i won’t aid in a lie that could hurt another woman.

Yes, i have been with men who are married or have girlfriends. But only when those relationships are also stable Poly relationships, like my own.
Most of the men i see are single. Single men are less complicated, less drama, more fun.

There was once a man who made me a fool. He was monogamously married. When we first met, he claimed he was leaving his wife. Not for me, obviously, but just because the marriage was miserable and he wanted to end it. He went on an on about their separation, how he had moved out and was crashing on various friends’ couches until he found a place of his own. He swore to me their marriage was over and i took his word for it.
i shouldn’t have. Something about the situation told me that he was lying but i let myself be charmed by him. He strung me along, made promises he never intended to keep. i cried so many tears over every canceled date, every missed phone call.
And when he went back to his wife, he hid it from me at first. The guilt and shame i feel for being accompany to his lies to her will haunt me the rest of my life. i can only hope that he got it out of his system and he focuses on making things right from now on. She deserves better than to be lied to.

All women deserve better than to be lied to.

Thats not to say women don’t cheat too. i know they do, i’ve seen it and i disapprove just as much of it as i do of men cheating. But since i am speaking of my own personal experiences, i have personally experienced more men cheating (or trying to cheat) than women.

A successful Poly relationship hinges on the people’s ability to communicate with one another, openly and honestly.
For that reason, i will never again see a man who has to hide our relationship. Or who feels he has to hide other relationships from me.
If he can’t look me (and every other woman he is seeing) in the eye and tell me (us) he has other sexual partners, then he might as well be cheating.

My husband tells me quite up front when he is considering a new sexual partner.
my reaction has always been the same:
i make sure he has plenty of condoms, i kiss him, and i tell him to have fun.

A stable Poly couple, with a strong foundation to their relationship, will always wish nothing but happiness and joy to their partners.

If you feel the urge to lie about something, or not to lie but just to hide it, then there is something wrong, a deeper problem in your relationship that you need to address.

Polyamory and Jealousy

i am Poly, so i frequently have multiple partners.

And i have always encouraged my partners to date others, if they want to.

Sometimes my partners have been content with just me, but usually they like to take advantage of our open arrangement. i am happy either way, so long as they are doing what feels true to their heart.

Different people do Poly in different ways, and there is no one “right way” to do things. So long as everyone is open and honest and respectful of everyone else, its all good.
Some Poly couples have lots of rules. Some don’t have any at all.
Some Poly couples experience a lot of issues with jealousy. Others, not so much.

And in the many years (over a decade) that i have been practicing ethical non-monogamy, i can only remember three times i have ever felt jealous of my partners’ other lovers.
i noticed that when i felt jealous, it wasn’t because of the other woman, it was because my needs weren’t being met.
This is what leads me to believe that jealousy is a symptom of a problem within our relationship, not a symptom of a problem with Polyamory in general.

Lets face it, monogamous couples get jealous too!
They experience jealousy towards their spouse’s friends, family, co-workers….anyone who might be spending time with their loved one and enjoying their loved one’s company.

Jealousy isn’t about the time that your loved one is spending with other people, nor is jealousy about the sex that your loved one is having with other partners.

Jealousy is about the time that your loved one is NOT spending with you.
Jealousy is about the sex that your loved one is NOT having with you.
So if you feel jealous, don’t blame anyone or anything outside of the relationship.
Look at what is lacking within the relationship.
And then TALK about it. With your partner.

Relationships are not made or broken by external forces.
Jealousy is a valid emotion, one that should be dealt with delicately.
But like all other relationship problems, it stems from within.
And like all other relationship problems, it can be solved by talking and working WITH your partner to correct the problem.

Show me, Don’t Just Tell me

One of the most confusing and difficult parts of online dating is having to describe yourself to other people in your profile and also in those initial messages. Talking about yourself, selling yourself without lying, can be incredibly awkward. i sympathize with that. It is even more so awkward for the other person if you continue to describe yourself, even after you’ve gotten to a point where you should just be having normal conversation.

An unfortunate truth about humanity is that many folks aren’t quite who they think they are. This can add another level of confusion and frustration when you’re seeing someone who struggles to stop describing themselves. i can’t even count how many men have told me they are “xyz” and i find myself having to bite my tongue so i don’t tell them that they really seem more like “abc” to me…

It would be a non-issue if men would just stop telling me about themselves and instead show me who they are through their actions.

Some examples:

Don’t tell me you’re a “humanitarian,” show me that care about other people. Share a story about a time you volunteered or let me see you buy a bottle of water or a sandwich for that homeless person we pass. Don’t just label yourself a humanitarian, BE a humanitarian.

Don’t tell me you “respect women,” show me that you do. Talk about the women in your life in such a way that i know you see them as valued members of society and not as if they are all annoyances or eye candy. Better yet, show me that you respect women by respecting me. i will know if you truly respect me or if it is an act, women can tell.

Don’t tell me that you are “creative,” show me by being creative! If you are truly creative then it will come out naturally through your thought processes. i will notice it in the way you talk and think and even behave. Just be yourself and your creative side will shine through.

Don’t tell me that you are “articulate,” or “sensual,” or “clever,” or “romantic,” or “intelligent.” SHOW ME.

Actions speak so much louder than words so SHOW ME.

This is definitely a put up or shut up situation. Too many men paint themselves out to be absolutely wonderful when in reality they are just very arrogant. The best guys are the ones who don’t have to tell me how fantastic they are because they are too busy just being fantastic.