Good vs Bad Reasons to be Poly

One of the biggest mistakes people can make when starting a poly relationship is doing it for the wrong reasons. If you get into poly for the wrong reasons then you are doomed to be miserable and to hurt the people around you. On the flip side of that coin, if you get into poly for the right reasons, you could find yourself pretty damned happy  with a full heart engaged in multiple mutual loving relationships.

What are the good and the bad reasons to be Poly, you ask?

Well, there are infinite reasons that anyone could do anything, but here are the most common ones that I know of:

 

Good/Right Reasons to be Poly:
– you enjoy listening to others talk about their feelings as well as talking about your own feelings and are open to having these discussions with multiple partners at the same time
– you feel confident in your ability to show two or more people that they are special to you at the same time
– you have the libido to satisfy two or more people at the same time
– you believe it is possible to love two or more people at the same time
– you understand that relationships go through seasons and are willing to put in the effort to make things work rather than dropping a person when things get hard for a little while
– you trust your partners and you have proven yourself trustworthy to them
– you have enough time, energy, and the love inside of you to enrich the lives of two or more people at the same time

 

Bad/Wrong Reasons to be Poly:
– your current sexual partner isn’t enough and you want to fuck more people
– you want to have sex with multiple people at the same time
– you are bored within your current relationship and looking for more excitement
– you figure poly people are probably easier to bang
– you figure poly people are probably kinkier in bed
– you are not looking for anything serious so you figure fucking a married woman would be ideal

The Little Black Dress in my Closet

Five years ago i was asked out on a date. A proper fancy date, the kind that requires dressing up for. Trouble was, i had never had an event to dress up for before.

i never went to a school dance, never went to homecoming or prom.
my wedding was a small affair at a courthouse, so i didn’t have a proper wedding dress.
Nor a reception party.
In all my years as a military wife, i never attended the yearly ball.
i never had a birthday party.
Nor had i ever attended any events or holidays that required more than jeans.

This was the first time in all my life that i needed to dress up and look proper for a night out at a fancy restaurant. And i was so excited.

i went to every store in the shopping centre, spent hours trying on dresses, got matching shoes i could barely walk in, had a friend help me pick out make up, and spent several more hours watching online tutorials to learn how to paint my face up pretty.

The day of the date finally came. i was so nervous-excited getting ready. i had waited my whole life for an occasion to dress up and have someone want to show me off on their arm.  i looked in the mirror and i felt like a fairytale princess.

Then He changed His mind.

We stayed in.

He made a nice candlelit dinner and i wore that dress for barely an hour while i sat at the table with Him.

Then i put the dress away in the back of my closet.

i haven’t worn it since.

And that dress has moved with me, from the back of one closet to the back of another closet four times in those five years.

Every time i move, every time i clean out my closet to get rid of the things i never wear, i pick up that dress and i run my fingers over the material and i hold it up to me and i cry.

The matching shoes were donated to Goodwill long ago.

The make up was tossed out months before that.

But the dress stays.

A constant reminder of the one fairytale princess night out that i have always wanted, but never had. Because whores don’t get to play princess, not even for one night.

So You Want to be Poly?

i have received a number of Tinder messages from men who wonder about the same thing:

“my girlfriend/wife’s sex drive is a fraction of my own, can Poly help me meet my sexual needs?”

Short answer:

No. You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Long answer:

Polyamory is deeply rooted in honesty and communication. It is NOT Poly if your girlfriend/wife doesn’t know you’re sleeping with other women. That’s called cheating. Don’t try taint a beautiful lifestyle with your horndogness. It is also NOT Poly if you have to coerce your girlfriend/wife into agreeing to open your relationship up to other people. If she isn’t just as excited about it as you are then you’re doing it wrong and it will blow up in your face.

Polyamory involves sustaining multiple relationships with multiple people, which requires a higher level of communication than is necessary to sustain a typical monogamous relationship. If you get frustrated or annoyed by talking about your relationship with your monogamous partner then you are NOT going to be able to handle juggling multiple relationships, and all the communication and attention that each individual partner will need. Only a douche canoe takes on more women than he can satisfy- and I don’t mean that in a sexual sense. Female satisfaction is deeply rooted in mental stimulation and emotional support, both of which tie into my above point: communication.

One of the biggest mistakes people make in Polyamory is starting a Poly relationship for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons being relationship problems of any type. YOU WILL NOT FIX YOUR MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP BY ADDING MORE PEOPLE TO IT. All you do when you open up a bad relationship is increase the pain and multiply the number of people who are hurt by it. Before you start a Poly relationship, you must be at the very least content with your partner, though I think its better to be thrilled with them as a starting point.

 

 

How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Three

This post is part of a three part series, be sure to check out the other two segments:
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part One
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Two

Whether you are sharing a pizza with someone, or sharing sex with someone, a conversation needs to occur. Everyone needs to be on the same page.

If you are sharing a pizza and you like pepperoni with pineapple, but they likes pepperoni with mushrooms, then you have to talk about it and compromise.
Should you get a pizza with only pepperoni? Should you get half pepperoni with pineapple, half pepperoni with mushrooms? Should you get pepperoni, pineapple, and mushroom? Are you willing to try pepperoni with mushrooms? Are they willing to try pepperoni with pineapple? What happens if one of you tries it and doesn’t like it?
There is no way of knowing without a conversation.

If you are sharing sex and you like to tickle, but they like bite, then you have to talk about it and compromise.
Are they ok with being tickled? Are you ok with being bitten? Should you refrain from kink? Should you both indulge in your kinks? What happens if you try something and one of you doesn’t like it?
There is no way of knowing without a conversation.

You can’t make assumptions about the person you are sharing with.
You could order a pizza topping that they are deathly allergic to.
You could do something sexual that is traumatic or upsetting for them.
Having a conversation, discussing what each other wants and compromising on things is the safest and most respectful thing you should do beforehand.

Making assumptions could ruin everything and result in unpleasantness for all involved.
A little communication can ensure that everyone – you and them – have a good time.

Being a Good Guy isn’t Enough

i’ve already talked about how, if you have to tell someone that you’re a “good guy,” then you probably aren’t as good of a guy as you think you are.

But what if you genuinely are a good guy?

What if you are a real good guy and she still won’t go on a date with you?
What if you are a real good guy and she still won’t submit to you?
What if you are a real good guy and she still won’t have sex with you?

Well, thats because being a good guy isn’t enough.

If you really are a good guy, then you already know that she doesn’t owe you anything.
And maybe you feel bummed out, like the good guys always finish last.

That sucks. i feel bad for you.

But it doesn’t change the fact that being a good guy isn’t enough.

There should be mutual physical attraction.
Common interests both sexual and outside of sex.
Similar relationship goals.

Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean that she finds you physically attractive.
Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean that you have common interests.
Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean you want the same type of relationship as she does.

Being a good guy isn’t enough.

And all of this is assuming that she is in a good place and she wants to date right now!
Being a good guy won’t be enough to make her want to date you if she’s taking a break from men.
Being a good guy won’t be enough to make her want to date you if she’s feeling vulnerable and doesn’t want to be pursued.
Being a good guy won’t be enough to make her want to date you if she is busy with work or school or family and doesn’t feel she has the time for relationships right now.

If you’re truly a good guy, you’ll respect her when she says, “no.”

You don’t have to be happy about it.
But you do have to respect her. Otherwise, you’re not really a good guy.
You just [wrongly] think you are.

How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Two

This post is part of a three part series, be sure to check out the other two segments:
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part One
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Three

When it comes to sex, some people like a wide variety of sexual activities whereas other people only like a few specific ones.

When it comes to pizza, some people like a wide variety of toppings whereas other people only like a few specific ones.

There is nothing wrong with liking a wide variety of sexual activities.
There is nothing wrong with only liking a few specific ones.

There is nothing wrong with liking a wide variety of pizza toppings.
There is nothing wrong with only liking a few specific ones.

Sometimes our likes change or grow.
Sometimes they don’t.

In any case, people have a right to like whatever they want to like, in whatever (large or small) varieties they want to like it. And. People have a right to change their mind, or not change their mind, about what they like.

i have a friend who enjoys knife play during sex. i don’t enjoy knife play. There is nothing wrong with her for enjoying it. There is nothing wrong with me for not enjoying it.

i have a friend who hates giving blow jobs. i love giving blow jobs. There is nothing wrong with her for hating it. There is nothing wrong with me for enjoying it.

i have a friend who enjoys deep dish pizza. i don’t enjoy deep dish pizza. There is nothing wrong with her for enjoying it. There is nothing wrong with me for not enjoying it.

i have a friend who hates bbq chicken pizza. i love bbq chicken pizza. There is nothing wrong with her for hating it. There is nothing wrong with me for enjoying it.

Different people like different things. And that is ok.

So You Think You’re a “Good Guy?”

Here’s the thing, if you have to tell someone that you’re a “good guy,” then you’re probably not as good of a guy as you think you are.

For example, if you ask a girl on a date and she says, “no thanks.”
A good guy says, “ok,” and he respects her choice to say no.
You’re not a good guy if you try to talk her into a date, after she has already said no, by telling her what a good guy you are.

Another example, if you take a girl out on a date and she says “thanks for the date but i don’t want to see you again.”
A good guys says, “ok,” and he respects her choice to not see him again.
You’re not a good guy if you try to talk her into seeing you again by telling her what a good guy you are.

Final example, if you ask a girl to have sex with you and she says, “i’d rather not.”
A good guy says, “ok,” and he respects her choice to not have his penis enter her vagina.
You’re not a good guy if you try and pressure her into having sex, after she has already said no, by telling her what a good guy you are.

i hear this from guys all. the. time.
And it is so annoying.

If you have to tell me that you’re a “good guy,” then you’re probably not as good of a guy as you think you are!

Good guys, real good guys, don’t go around announcing that they are good guys.
They just are good.
People know they are good guys because they talk and behave in a way that is good.

They don’t have to tell anyone they are a good guy because people can see it for themselves!

Fake good guys, the wanna be good guys, may have some good qualities, but at the end of the day they lack the fundamental respect for fellow human beings (and yes, females are human beings too!) that constitutes being a real good guy.

How Sex is Like Pizza: Part One

This post is part of a three part series, be sure to check out the other two segments:
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Two
How Sex is Like Pizza: Part Three

When you like sex, you like sex. Thats it, thats all there is to it.
Someone who really likes sex, likes it in all its various qualities.

The same could be said of pizza.
Someone who really likes pizza, likes it in all its various qualities.

The lazy quickie with no foreplay is like a frozen pizza that you throw in the oven because you know it will be quick and easy and delicious.

The impromptu play session involving just a couple toys that you keep handy is like a delivery pizza in that it takes a little longer but you know it will be worth it because its even more delicious than the frozen pizza.

The elaborate seduction and intense play scenes are like a gourmet pizza at a 5 star restaurant because they take the most time and effort, but they are also the highest quality and therefore the most delicious.

All qualities are good. All qualities are fun. All qualities are delicious.
They are merely varying degrees of delicious.

All qualities of pizza are good, some are just better than others.
All qualities of sex are good, some are just better than others.

Lowering my Standards

When i first started dating again, it was easy for me to feel like i had to settle for guys who barely hid their motives and dates that were thinly veiled hook ups.

Sure, i had dozens of men messaging me on various dating apps, but only a fraction of them could hold a conversation and even less would pretend to be interested in me for anything other than sex.

It quite frankly felt like my options were either stay home and never meet anyone, or agree to go out with one of these guys who was obviously wrong for me.

i was lonely, i was craving connection.

i didn’t want to just hook up but i didn’t think anyone would be interested in me otherwise.

So i did it.

Over and over again, i went out with guys who i knew didn’t want the same thing i wanted.
Over and over again, i lowered my standards so that i wouldn’t have to be alone on a Saturday night.

But the more i lowered my standards to seek companionship, the more alone i felt.

It was only after i stopped expecting so little, only after i started turning down any guy who didn’t want the same thing i wanted, only after i stopped lowering my standards that i started meeting decent guys.

And once i met a few decent guys, and i noticed this pattern shift, i figured out why lowering one’s standards doesn’t work.

Lets imagine our standards as a sort of sifter and all men are various sized rocks.
In the beginning all the rocks, big and small and such are mixed in together.
Shake the first layer of the sifter and that separates out the biggest rocks; these big rocks are representative of the men who are easiest to find yet far from what i look for in a man.
Shake the second layer of the sifter and that separates out all the medium rocks, these medium rocks are representative of the men who are somewhere in between a good match and an awful match.
Shake the third layer of the sifter and that separates out the small rocks, leaving only the tiny rocks behind. The small rocks are representative of the men who are closer to a good match but not quite, maybe they are what i want but i’m not what they want or vice versa. The tiny rocks, the hardest rocks to find, are representative of the men who are a great match. The kind of men that i would enjoy dating and having a sexual relationship with.

Lowering my standards was like picking up a medium or small rock and trying to pretend its just as good as the tiny one i really wanted.

It can be easy to feel like the tiny rock doesn’t exist but we don’t know what we’re missing until we sift through all the rocks.

They are there, they are hiding among the others.  But we can never find what we haven’t taken the time to really look for.

i am a Human Being

i get called a lot of things by men.

And sometimes i don’t mind it. Like during sex, call me Your slut, Your whore, Your dirty little cum-dumpster. By all means, if we are playing, i like that shit.

But then there are other times. When i haven’t consented to playing with a man. Or when i have once, but we aren’t playing anymore. Name calling at those times isn’t so great for me.

i get that guys like to simplify things, simplify the role of others in their life.

But here’s some things that i’m not:

i am NOT a new experience for you to try out.

i am NOT a challenge for you undertake.

i am NOT a project for you to work on.

i am NOT porn for you to look at.

i am NOT a warm, wet hole for you to use when or however you like.

If i haven’t consented to being yours, then i am especially NONE of these things to you.

i am a human being.

When treated respectfully, i am happy to share new experiences.

i am a human being.

When treated respectfully, i am happy to challenge and be challenged.

i am a human being.

When treated respectfully, i am happy to work on improving myself.

i am a human being.

When treated respectfully, i am happy to look sexy for others.

i am a human being.

When treated respectfully, i am happy to have my body used.

If you can’t treat me with respect, then i can’t consent to being anything for you.